i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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