I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
