i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
