Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
