TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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