I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
