Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
