My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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