saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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