i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
