my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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