OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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