whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
