What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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