Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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