brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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