grandma shit on top of the toilet
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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