found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
