Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
