I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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