My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
