I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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