I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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