My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
