girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
