rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
