Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
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