Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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