The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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