my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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