It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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