so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
