I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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