My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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