Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
