I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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