A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
