he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
