My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize