I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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