I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
