My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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