I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
