I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
