Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Randomize
