you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize