there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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