According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
