I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
