weddingsv make me drug and hornr
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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