mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
