The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
