I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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