I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
