The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize