literally had 100 drinks last night.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
