UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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