I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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