Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
