I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize