You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
