she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
