Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
