I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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