Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Randomize
