:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
