I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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